Friday, April 21

How do you solve a problem like

1999 Japanese knitting mag, Dior:
Incredible work. Can you imagine how much this weighs? You could supply all the elves in Lapland with blankets made from this dress. And let's say you wore it to the Arctic Circle Assembly Debutante Ball, then what? Everytime you wore it people would say "Oh, here's Ewenice in that sweater gown...again. Looks like it's starting to pill or that's some serious dandruff, poor thing."

BUT, in my alternate knitted universe, this is what Maria wears when she marries Captain von Trapp. The nuns work overtime to get the cables and bobbles done. Carpal tunnel syndrome is rampant amongst the older knitters and Mother Abbess cleverly outwits the Germans by sending Marni Nixon dressed as a hooker to find a case of BenGay and HandEze gloves on the black market. That dirtbag Rolf nearly botches the job when he tries to pick Marni up, who is crossing herself furiously and warbling "I Feel Pretty."

Meanwhile, the invisible staff at the big house are beavering away like mad to make matching outfits for the von Trapp boys. Things get way out of hand when the butler finds Kurt's hidden bottle of Jagermeister and starts making crude jokes about marionettes and goatsherds. Much whistle blowing and shouting ensue before the Captain puts him (and everybody else) to sleep crooning 'Edelweiss.'

The big day draws near. The Baroness decides this handknit look was too much, too rustique, too Maria. So, she loads up the car with champagne, the von Bratz girls and Uncle Max to hit the mall.

Perfect. The Pussycat Dolls were Liesl's favorite band when she wasn't listening to Jack Frost on Kurt's iPod. "Hooray, no more curtain playsuits," smirks Max as he eyes what looks like the latest crop from the Salzburg slutfarm. "Georg will be thrilled, I'm sure."

The Baroness thoughtfully picks out this knitted satchel at Ferragamo($1,650) as a wedding gift for Maria, accepting that substance and a bodacious set of pipes outmatched her craven couture style and bodacious pair of ta-tas. The label said hand-crocheted but The B had seen a lot of knitting lately and knew it for the #0J87 Mon Tricot's tassel stitch variation that it was. Poor Maria, she had tried desperately to teach The B to knit, but those pesky talons kept snagging the yarn. And the Captain? Well, Christopher Plummer had a no-knits clause in his contract and wore his snappy uniform. But he was awfully tempted by these.

Cheers, Maria!


HPNY Knits said...

someone was made to watch the sound of music too many times.......

Mary, Mary... said...

Well it was either this or The Wizard of Oz.

Marji said...

personally, I love the Ferragamo Bag. We should all get paid so much to 'Crochet'